So you are about to realize what I already know my partner Patricia is a saint and below is one of the reasons I’m getting a rose tattoo with her name on it. She has saved my life many, many times. I am working on speaking when I’m uncomfortable and being as honest as humanly possible. This morning Patricia did a beautiful thing, she lovingly kissed me directly after I brushed my teeth. Then 10 min later when we were in the kitchen I laughed. When she inquired about my spontaneous laughter I paused sighed and told her that my brain in 10 min turned a loving gesture into me convinced I have to leave her. You see Patricia doesn’t like the smell of the weed I use to literally keep the voices at bay and doesn’t want to kiss an ashtray. So now it’s a choice between her and my medicine, at this point devil number 2 shows up and tells me we can just suffer through it “look we can see she loves us she’s our best shot at love”. So when I realized I was in the spiral I laughed at the absurdity of life.
I wondered what forces could have cauesd such a split in feelings and my almost uncontrollable urge to RUN away. New Love was the key, when I’m in new love with someone we are both on our best behavior and for me it’s bliss and I can ignore “Ricky’s” constant barrage of negative thoughts but eventually new love fades and it becomes harder and harder to ignore these thoughts and the cracks start to show and eventually I’m convinced that Ricky’s view is true.
So I can see how lucky I am with Patricia and to give us the best chance I’m going to tell her everything and apparently, everyone else as well.
Today I was exploring the edges of my memories and one thing kept coming up. How am I going to sit with Patrica’s family knowing that they ignored my pleas for help as they were teaching me how to stand on my own two feet?
Then I examined what was actually happening with radical acceptance of reality.
They don’t seem to see me, why?
I try to keep telling them I’m hurting. By telling them that I can’t speak but nothing changes
The answer was very simple because I haven’t been telling them what’s happening
So I told Patricia the absolute truth, today I have been exploring talking to Ros (my sister-in-law) about how (from my perspective) she has tortured me and I was just trying to survive. I even imagine her being cold (like the family has done to whip me into shape) if I reach out for love I’m refused it. Now before you clutch your pearls, that’s how Patricia and Ros got past their child hood trauma. By being fucking badass and unrelentingly diligent in setting their boundaries as strong black women have always done during terrible times. So of course I needed the same thing that’s all they knew.
I can see that Ros loves me but each time I have this thought experiment it always ends the same
With me dying on the floor after cutting my throat in a grand gesture to show once and for all how sad I am.
I have no idea how to get past this but running from it seems like the only viable option.
As most people are waiting for Christmas, I’m looking forward to Vipassanna in January. It’s been a year of ups and downs and the thought of 10 days of self reflection fills my heart with joy. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m looking forward to seeing my niece and nephew opening their Christmas presents and hanging out with my in-laws but 10 days in silence meditation sounds perfect. Somewhere over the past year or so I lost my practice and I’m missing the calming and centering effects it produces.
It’s getting easier to get up at 4 am and I’m looking forward to meditation this morning before Patricia picks me up at 7 am.
I can see myself incorporating the meditation technique(s) into my daily routine. It would be wonderful to continue on this path of self-discovery, hopefully, there are not too many days like day 6 or day 10 lol
Last day of the course, I go home tomorrow.
Noble silence is finished at 9 am and we can start talking again.
I’m not relishing all the noise as I’ve been in silence for 9 days. Somehow I manage to avoid talking till lunch. At this point, my experience goes off the rails again. I arrive late to the dining hall and when I open the door am buffetted with noise, I’m reeling, SO MUCH NOISE!!! I stand in line for my lunch, people are talking to me and I alternate between being sick to my stomach and feeling like I’m going to cry. How are they talking so much? When I get my dinner I sit down away from everyone to try and get my equilibrium back. Unfortunately, it’s not working so outside I go to be in silence. I sit down with a group of people and things start to slowly come back into balance.
I explain the above to them and that I practiced the techniques we learned to calm myself down.
One of them exclaims “It’s great that you have had this experience. It has given you the opportunity to use the tools we were given”
Hmmm…not sure I would have said that when I was going to cry and throw up at the same time.
Rest of the day is LOUD but uneventful. 🙂