It’s so obvious now that the Canadian Systems lets people down who suffer from generation trauma.
In my case, while I don’t have many memories of my mother but I have a clear image of her standing over my bed as a small child telling me that she remembers waking up to hands all over her. My child’s mind didn’t understand but now I can see she was abused. It’s understandable given her background that when my brother died at 28 hours old she would break and never recover.
Unfortunately for me, while everyone was trying the help her no one noticed that she projected her anger, frustration and dispare at how unfair life was onto her 2-year-old child.
I asked my aunt if she had any memories of me and my mother together she responded “when you were very little she and I were sitting in front of the house and you came home with uncle Tim. Your mom called you over to give her a kiss and as soon as you did, your mother said “now go fuck off” in a deadpan voice” it shook me to be honest.
This was what she was willing to show my aunt. At home it was much worse and if my physical sensations are to be believed she used to lock me in my toy box and say terrible things me at 2-years-old . Which hindered the development of a sense of self as that happens in the first 5 years of life. I tell you this in an effort to be seen but I am also terrified as the last time I tried to show all of me my mother took away my agency. So, “Ricky” is fucking scared and is trying to make me carpet bomb and salt the earth of every relationship I have, so that I don’t look in that box.
I don’t really understand what this means other than I “know” it to be true.
The health system failed me as there is nowhere for someone like me to get help unless I hurt myself or someone else. As someone in the system it seems that is where the Canadian Government has drawn the line for care “are you a danger to yourself or others” they need to add physical to the above statement to make it accurate.
The Canadian Legal system didn’t protect me from itself. As it seems that the legal system assumes, like game theory, that people will act in their self-interest. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case for the last 11 years as I didn’t understand the rules. Each time I was “reasonable” the court took that as my starting position rather than my compromise. After 12 years of me not being able to defend myself because of my condition, escalated into the court system trying to impute an income of 200k a year on me and if I didn’t pay, I would be in and out of jail every 18 months or so for 90 days for the rest of my life.
So I struggle to go forward, unable to stay here, and back is a path to an early grave.