So what’s been haunting me for my entire life has now become evident, as a child my personality fractured into pieces. The piece that lived with my mother and Me or as now gives me relief, Dickie, the piece that lived with his loving grandparents in the summers.
Now my manifestation of DID doesn’t feel like the movies portray. It’s more of a compulsion to act but maybe there is more to it as I can’t look at mirrors in the dark as I’m terrified to. Umm…more memories to investigate.
People close to me have heard me say for a few years that it doesn’t seem that I’m in control of my amygdala. You see, my physical level of agitation never seems to fit my environment. There is a disconnect and now I am convinced that “Ricky” has been in control of my fight or flight center. The only thing experimentally that doesn’t line up perfectly is Dickies’ martyr complex. Hmmm…
So I’m left with the question, am I still Richard (don’t sue me Lisa Genova) the answer is YES I’m still me but now with the ability to talk. I’m still the loving caring person I think I am but with almost uncontrollable emotional dysregulation. By working on my anxiety but not the underlining cause I’ve created a perfect storm. Rickys’ pain and suffering have been hidden for so long that it’s inconsolable and now Dickie has no defenses from Ricky stepping on our amygdala. There doesn’t ever seem to be a correlation between my physical level of tension and my environment.
So yes, I’m still Richard, but I like to be called Dickie. 😉
Today I was exploring the edges of my memories and one thing kept coming up. How am I going to sit with Patrica’s family knowing that they ignored my pleas for help as they were teaching me how to stand on my own two feet?
Then I examined what was actually happening with radical acceptance of reality.
They don’t seem to see me, why?
I try to keep telling them I’m hurting. By telling them that I can’t speak but nothing changes
The answer was very simple because I haven’t been telling them what’s happening
So I told Patricia the absolute truth, today I have been exploring talking to Ros (my sister-in-law) about how (from my perspective) she has tortured me and I was just trying to survive. I even imagine her being cold (like the family has done to whip me into shape) if I reach out for love I’m refused it. Now before you clutch your pearls, that’s how Patricia and Ros got past their child hood trauma. By being fucking badass and unrelentingly diligent in setting their boundaries as strong black women have always done during terrible times. So of course I needed the same thing that’s all they knew.
I can see that Ros loves me but each time I have this thought experiment it always ends the same
With me dying on the floor after cutting my throat in a grand gesture to show once and for all how sad I am.
I have no idea how to get past this but running from it seems like the only viable option.
Furthermore from the post yesterday, I’m starting to see how pervasive the issue of society hiding its monsters is.
Everyone wants to believe they are the type of person that “would rather talk to you at 3 am then attend your funeral” but in reality, it’s far too painful for everyone and they shy away or try to help which is infinitely worse for me. You see, I never developed a sense of self and as such there is no “me” to love. This manifested as a compulstion for external approval couple with a pathological need to save everyone to make up for “whatever I did that was so bad it killed my brother” which never made sense to me as he never came home from the hospital and I was 2 what could I have done? Anyway I digress…
So there are two devils in me.
One is deathly afraid of everyone and sees the world as a terrible place.
The second has to protect everyone from everything and isn’t afraid to sacrifice himself to achieve it.
The fearful devil manifests as knowledge of my partner’s attempts to manipulate me into killing myself. I could tell you all the times I felt like this with exacting detail. This is as basic as air is to breath, I believe it at a fundamental level and I need to RUN! NOW!!!
The knightly devil is always looking for problems that we can help with, such as killing myself to save my partner from my poor finances.
These two devils are always there tugging at my senses and most of the time it seems that I’m not in control of my amygdala. It seems to spasm uncontrollably all day as my body is in flight or fight while I’m sitting quietly. It’s quite unnerving to suddenly feel dread and have no outlet for that feeling. That might be why I wrapped these feelings in anxiety in the first place as an attempt to control them and act the way everyone wanted me to act. No one seems to care how I feel only how I act.
So I have to make a conscious decision to see my partner as loving as I don’t feel love like a normal person and all feel is the worst possible things. But, I can see that she loves me but I don’t feel it unless she smiles at me or touches me kindly. It’s hell to live like this to be honest, both the physical almost constant tension like I”m getting into a car accident and having to consciously force myself to believe something that my senses are telling me is not true.
Maybe we all need to read Winnie the Pooh with new eyes and teach our kids how to love Eeyore instead of why they shouldn’t end up like him.
It’s been interesting what I’ve learned about myself since I started publishing my thoughts about my journey.
In the last week many people have reached out to me, compelled to tell me stories about their journeys.
All but one were saying subtly “I had it harder than you and if I could make it through so can you, buck up soldier” this caused me to reflect if I was doing the same things, and yep, completely true of myself as well. So, what now?
Well for me, when someone tells me their story I’m going to say “that sounds terrible, I can’t imagine going through that”. This adheres to my second rule for life treat every disagreement like you would a 5-year-old. My response was kind, true, and exactly what I meant. Anything other than that and I’m not being genuine to myself and my inner 5-year-old.
Brothers check your obligations
But, you don’t seem mentally ill? This is an actual phrase that was said to me in lodge by a VW. Sir. who then commenced to say “hey so-in-so I’ve had dyslexia for my entire life, maybe I can get some free money” it was at this point I unceremoniously left the banquet.
These types of statements are why people kill themselves in hotel rooms. Mentally ill people are not supposed to exist outside of institutions as it offends society’s delicate sensibilities. I’ve had the same problem with my spouse actually and it’s because she cares for me that I’ve had this problem. She just wouldn’t let herself see me, it was too painful for her. So she did the only thing she could, try to fix me which triggered a forgotten problem I had. No one ever believed that my mother tortured me. So I did the only thing I could, try to manipulate her into caring for me. As a strong independent black woman, she sensed immediately and this made her steadfastly resolute.
How we both got out of this cycle I have no idea but I imagine it was Patricia.
In my opinion, how you answer this question defines you.
Do any of your opinions on Trans rights stipulate that there is something deficient in them?
If the answer is yes, then there really isn’t anything left to say. As unless society believes that they are fine the way they are there will never be a middle ground as they are fighting for their right to exist.
No one should be made to feel that their existence is an issue and I would caution any brother to ask themselves the question above. Then check their obligations and ask, if one of their family members who are struggling would feel comfortable confiding in you. Again, if the answer isn’t a yes, then they must check their obligations. stepping off my pulpit 🙂 hopefully, I don’t fall off this pedestal
Those that know me well know that I love seeing a story from two or more perspectives. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead was my favorite movie growing up, with a close second Akira, of course, as one does.
I’ve been watching both the left and my right leaning personal circle and it appears to me that neither side is listening.
Mundays’ list for life (at least mine)
- Explain your opinion on a hot topic issue like you would a 5 year old.
- Be kind and don’t dramatise the issue
- Stick to facts
- Tell both sides
- Explain that this is only your opinion and they should form their own
- During a disagreement
- Be kind
- Understand that this disagreement can only be a misunderstanding
- Explain it in the simplest terms
- Takes the burden off of you
- Makes you reach to articulate properly and focuses your thoughts
- I really thought the list would be longer, maybe ill think of something else later.
I’ve been thinking of suicide since before I knew there were words for it. So, if your child repeats things like “I’m doomed” “or I never catch a break” or ” I’m going to kill myself” listen to them. I was so broken that I practiced smiling in the mirror because the abuse was lessened if I didn’t give them a reason to “give me something to cry about”. So I shut off all emotions and finally, I don’t remember anything from before 8th grade. Which they tell me is when my mom left for the last time. Now, before anyone says “that was a long time ago” and I should “buck up soldier” remember I could only comply as I believed my life depended on it.
The tragic thing is the behavior of hiding my emotions continued and for the most part still does. I’m incapable of talking to any authority figure or romantic partner if they are upset which has led to some very strange relationships over the years. Thankfully they don’t seem to last more than 7 years as I’m incapable of maintaining them.
So I hide again but now it’s with a little more anxiety to hold the emotions at bay. Which makes it harder so I add more anxiety to stop me talking and ruining the relationship. Which caused me to try and escape and when I can’t or don’t want to, I think of the only thing within my power, committing suicide.
So, I have no idea if maid will be legalized next year but, I think it should be approved as it gives people like me the ability to end our suffering with comfort instead of scared and alone in a hotel room. I would never want my family or friends to find my body, it’s about ending suffering not adding to it.
I’m learning a lot about myself, my condition and how I could have let things get so out of hand.
The psychological community are at odds over whether childhood attachment should be added to the adult diagnosis in the DSM.
It is currently my opinion that it should as it explains my behavior over the last decade or so precisely. So here goes….
I couldn’t understand why I kept protecting my Ex after she would do things like try to convince the family court that I had secret foreign bank accounts or that I was purposely not taking more lucrative jobs to punish her by giving her less money. The answer is I couldn’t have done it any other way as I was unconsciously compelled to do it. Because no one would pay their Ex and not pay their taxes if they were healthy. And before you clutch your pearls the CRA was complicit, in about 2014 I told the CRA that I couldn’t pay taxes each month and their response was to have me fill in some reports for them to “get the picture” and we would discuss the case at a later date. They responded by saying Mr. Munday you can’t pay your taxes. I replied with “that’s what I told you”, there reply was ‘you have to pay your taxes, what are you going to do?” I explained that I could give them my bonus cheques. They agreed that would be a good compromise. That was until my Ex decided she wanted part of them as well and convinced the court to judge in her favour for 130,000 above what I had already paid her from 2011 – 2016 (as an aside she asked the court for $500,000) and now she wanted her share of my bonus cheques going forward. I sucked it up, put in my helmet and tried to weather the storm.
Emboldened by the success in court, my Ex in about 2017 decided that she would weaponize the concept of “imputing” an income on me as allowed by the court system. It’s at this point that my grip on reality starts to crumble.
Yesterday my therapist asked me what I felt when I was inhabiting one of my episodes and I responded with trapped but now I think that needs to be flushed out more, it’s actually that I feel powerless. At this point I can almost hear her say “and when have you felt like that before” my responce would have been “when I was a child and I had to manipulate my mother to get my most basic needs met” I wasn’t even an afterthought to her as I felt she begrudging kept me alive out of some commitment she made and now regrets it.
I have been both simultaneously protecting my Ex and our child and slowly dying inside with the burden of it.
So, maybe my story could help the psychological community form their opinions on the subject as it seems to fit.
So, I started this article to articulate to my more “trumpian” lodge brothers that their understanding might be incomplete about a few things.
I toyed with tackling a “hot topic” issue like trans rights or abortion. But I wanted to make it more approachable for both myself and my target audience.
When I started playing tennis in the TLGTA, Toronto Lesbian and Gay Tennis Association I didn’t really know what to expect, nice people, probably but what I found was transformative to me. In the “community” I was able to put down survival tools that I’ve been carrying around for a lifetime. For instance, imagine a place where you don’t have to “put on a stiff upper lip”, stifle your emotions because you didn’t want to appear weak or worry about, well, anything. And to be honest, it’s bliss! The funny thing is that the transformation was so subtle that I might have missed it if I had not had a strange conversation with a senior brother that didn’t seem to see the entire picture in my opinion. Because the man I knew wouldn’t disregard someone else’s pain to save himself. So it is now my mission to do just that. Not by arguing but by presenting the facts and hopefully we all can have some meaningful discussions in the future.
I cherish the time I spend in the presence of the LGBTQ+ community (sorry if I missed anyone) because I didn’t know how many unconscious traits I was carrying around.
Thank you LGBTQ+ community for showing how to be a better Mason, husband, father and son.