3am and all’s not well

So, once again, I’m slipping back into my old patterns and in response “Ricky” has amped up and without the anxiety, disassociation or spasticity from my muscles being frozen I’m feeling more than ever.

I don’t know if I can sit till June 12th when I see Ontario shore. I wish someone would believe me and institutionalize me before “Ricky” hurts someone.

Actually, this is my cry for help, I’m not strong enough to go of my own volition. PLEASE HELP ME !!! But I need a padded cell and locked doors! Please don’t put me back in the Psych ER it’s too frightening and I’m afraid I’ll cease to exist.

Update: I’m being pulled in so many directions. I am about to lose my grip on my others and I’m afraid, that maybe I’m he other.

Update 2: And just like that whoever just typed that is gone and I can go back to the way it was, I’m almost convinced that I can just go back to work.

Update 3: typing is getting easier but something is trying to get me to delete this, there is no misunderstanding that I have others , or, that one of them is very dangerous.

Update 4: Mary if you read this when you have a break in the day can you drive me to the Ottawa Psych hospital, please. I no longer think I can control the monster inside of me and I’m a danger to myself and everyone else. I am typing this because I know that I will never be able to explain this before it’s too late.

Update 5: I’m trying to get my others to let us get some sleep but my stomach is so bad I feel like I’m going to vomit and my hands hurt from clenching them and I feel tingling all ever. I have to get some sleep my body is on fire because I keep reaching for the delete button.

Update 6: I don’t think I wait till everyone gets up, I might have to leave. Im just not sure that I will have the strength to go to the ER. so, I’ll do what I learned in DBT and use Opposite Action and force myself to get some sleep.

Update 7: I keep waking up and alternating between deleting this because I’m better and taking a taxi to the ER.

Fuck this is hell

Autism, DID [psych term, not telecom ;-) ] and my evolving understanding

So, I’ve been spending the last 24 hours exploring what is actually happening when I get the ” overwhelming urge” to stab the dog, Run, fight, etc.

So I absolutely have to physically restrain myself but like I said I’m not angry but my body is on fire to react. It’s a very strange feeling to not be in control of your bodys physical movements. But the DID didn’t seem complete as I couldn’t understand why “ricky” would be mad.

Then I remembered a different track of experimentation from about 6 months ago, am I autistic?

Then it hit me, maybe my desire to move is what autism “feels” like and that’s what I’ve been controlling and why my physical sensations felt different from my environment.

So my current theory is that when I was a small child I exhibited the normal autism behaviors and was told I needed to stop them. Hitting myself, flapping my arms, etc as normal people don’t do that. But when my brother died and my mothers pain finally consumed her I was made to believe that changing my behavior was life or death. So I practiced smiling in the mirror and flexing my entire body to stop my involuntary arm movements. This coupled with my mother telling my 2 year old self that she wished I was never born and why didn’t I die instead of David or my personal favourite “you are the reason your dad and I fight “. You see, I never had a chance.

This theory fits the data but I’m still scared to open the box and see if I’m right

Maybe one day I’ll be able to remember but for now the current theory is giving me some relief as at least it fits more of the data.

Am I still, Richard

So what’s been haunting me for my entire life has now become evident, as a child my personality fractured into pieces. The piece that lived with my mother and Me or as now gives me relief, Dickie, the piece that lived with his loving grandparents in the summers.

Now my manifestation of DID doesn’t feel like the movies portray. It’s more of a compulsion to act but maybe there is more to it as I can’t look at mirrors in the dark as I’m terrified to. Umm…more memories to investigate.

People close to me have heard me say for a few years that it doesn’t seem that I’m in control of my amygdala. You see, my physical level of agitation never seems to fit my environment. There is a disconnect and now I am convinced that “Ricky” has been in control of my fight or flight center. The only thing experimentally that doesn’t line up perfectly is Dickies’ martyr complex. Hmmm…

So I’m left with the question, am I still Richard (don’t sue me Lisa Genova) the answer is YES I’m still me but now with the ability to talk. I’m still the loving caring person I think I am but with almost uncontrollable emotional dysregulation. By working on my anxiety but not the underlining cause I’ve created a perfect storm. Rickys’ pain and suffering have been hidden for so long that it’s inconsolable and now Dickie has no defenses from Ricky stepping on our amygdala. There doesn’t ever seem to be a correlation between my physical level of tension and my environment.

So yes, I’m still Richard, but I like to be called Dickie. 😉

Why I’m going to speak to everyone like they are a 5 year old and you should too

Those that know me well know that I love seeing a story from two or more perspectives. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead was my favorite movie growing up, with a close second Akira, of course, as one does.

I’ve been watching both the left and my right leaning personal circle and it appears to me that neither side is listening.

Mundays’ list for life (at least mine)

  • Explain your opinion on a hot topic issue like you would a 5 year old.
    • Be kind and don’t dramatise the issue
    • Stick to facts
    • Tell both sides
    • Explain that this is only your opinion and they should form their own
  • During a disagreement
    • Be kind
    • Understand that this disagreement can only be a misunderstanding
    • Explain it in the simplest terms
      • Takes the burden off of you
      • Makes you reach to articulate properly and focuses your thoughts
  • I really thought the list would be longer, maybe ill think of something else later.