Tag: love

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What does being mentally ill feel like?

So as everyone can tell I’m working of speaking when I’m uncomfortable.

But I’ve never actually told everyone what mental health issues feel like.

It’s similar to walking down a steep hill. You start slow and quickly realize that to stay upright you need to walk faster but you keep speeding up just to stay upright. Until you are running so fast that you wonder how long you can keep from falling and you have no idea how you got here.

The complete loss of control and abject fear is palpable

Then your loving partner asks you to take out the trash or empty the dishwasher and you think, HOW, every bit of my energy is taken up with focusing on running down this hill and not tripping on my feet. How can I empty the dishwasher as well?

That’s what living with mental illness feels like. You are working as hard as you can just to survive and your wondering how the fuck it got so out of control.

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“New Love” and the absurdity of life

So you are about to realize what I already know my partner Patricia is a saint and below is one of the reasons I’m getting a rose tattoo with her name on it. She has saved my life many, many times. I am working on speaking when I’m uncomfortable and being as honest as humanly possible. This morning Patricia did a beautiful thing, she lovingly kissed me directly after I brushed my teeth. Then 10 min later when we were in the kitchen I laughed. When she inquired about my spontaneous laughter I paused sighed and told her that my brain in 10 min turned a loving gesture into me convinced I have to leave her. You see Patricia doesn’t like the smell of the weed I use to literally keep the voices at bay and doesn’t want to kiss an ashtray. So now it’s a choice between her and my medicine, at this point devil number 2 shows up and tells me we can just suffer through it “look we can see she loves us she’s our best shot at love”. So when I realized I was in the spiral I laughed at the absurdity of life.

I wondered what forces could have cauesd such a split in feelings and my almost uncontrollable urge to RUN away. New Love was the key, when I’m in new love with someone we are both on our best behavior and for me it’s bliss and I can ignore “Ricky’s” constant barrage of negative thoughts but eventually new love fades and it becomes harder and harder to ignore these thoughts and the cracks start to show and eventually I’m convinced that Ricky’s view is true.

So I can see how lucky I am with Patricia and to give us the best chance I’m going to tell her everything and apparently, everyone else as well.