3am and all’s not well

So, once again, I’m slipping back into my old patterns and in response “Ricky” has amped up and without the anxiety, disassociation or spasticity from my muscles being frozen I’m feeling more than ever.

I don’t know if I can sit till June 12th when I see Ontario shore. I wish someone would believe me and institutionalize me before “Ricky” hurts someone.

Actually, this is my cry for help, I’m not strong enough to go of my own volition. PLEASE HELP ME !!! But I need a padded cell and locked doors! Please don’t put me back in the Psych ER it’s too frightening and I’m afraid I’ll cease to exist.

Update: I’m being pulled in so many directions. I am about to lose my grip on my others and I’m afraid, that maybe I’m he other.

Update 2: And just like that whoever just typed that is gone and I can go back to the way it was, I’m almost convinced that I can just go back to work.

Update 3: typing is getting easier but something is trying to get me to delete this, there is no misunderstanding that I have others , or, that one of them is very dangerous.

Update 4: Mary if you read this when you have a break in the day can you drive me to the Ottawa Psych hospital, please. I no longer think I can control the monster inside of me and I’m a danger to myself and everyone else. I am typing this because I know that I will never be able to explain this before it’s too late.

Update 5: I’m trying to get my others to let us get some sleep but my stomach is so bad I feel like I’m going to vomit and my hands hurt from clenching them and I feel tingling all ever. I have to get some sleep my body is on fire because I keep reaching for the delete button.

Update 6: I don’t think I wait till everyone gets up, I might have to leave. Im just not sure that I will have the strength to go to the ER. so, I’ll do what I learned in DBT and use Opposite Action and force myself to get some sleep.

Update 7: I keep waking up and alternating between deleting this because I’m better and taking a taxi to the ER.

Fuck this is hell

Teach your kids how to love Eeyore, and not, how to avoid ending up like him.

Furthermore from the post yesterday, I’m starting to see how pervasive the issue of society hiding its monsters is.

Everyone wants to believe they are the type of person that “would rather talk to you at 3 am then attend your funeral” but in reality, it’s far too painful for everyone and they shy away or try to help which is infinitely worse for me. You see, I never developed a sense of self and as such there is no “me” to love. This manifested as a compulstion for external approval couple with a pathological need to save everyone to make up for “whatever I did that was so bad it killed my brother” which never made sense to me as he never came home from the hospital and I was 2 what could I have done? Anyway I digress…

So there are two devils in me.

One is deathly afraid of everyone and sees the world as a terrible place.

The second has to protect everyone from everything and isn’t afraid to sacrifice himself to achieve it.

The fearful devil manifests as knowledge of my partner’s attempts to manipulate me into killing myself. I could tell you all the times I felt like this with exacting detail. This is as basic as air is to breath, I believe it at a fundamental level and I need to RUN! NOW!!!

The knightly devil is always looking for problems that we can help with, such as killing myself to save my partner from my poor finances.

These two devils are always there tugging at my senses and most of the time it seems that I’m not in control of my amygdala. It seems to spasm uncontrollably all day as my body is in flight or fight while I’m sitting quietly. It’s quite unnerving to suddenly feel dread and have no outlet for that feeling. That might be why I wrapped these feelings in anxiety in the first place as an attempt to control them and act the way everyone wanted me to act. No one seems to care how I feel only how I act.

So I have to make a conscious decision to see my partner as loving as I don’t feel love like a normal person and all feel is the worst possible things. But, I can see that she loves me but I don’t feel it unless she smiles at me or touches me kindly. It’s hell to live like this to be honest, both the physical almost constant tension like I”m getting into a car accident and having to consciously force myself to believe something that my senses are telling me is not true.

Maybe we all need to read Winnie the Pooh with new eyes and teach our kids how to love Eeyore instead of why they shouldn’t end up like him.

I have no idea why Twitch, Bordain or Robin Williams killed themselves but I can tell my story.

I’ve been thinking of suicide since before I knew there were words for it. So, if your child repeats things like “I’m doomed” “or I never catch a break” or ” I’m going to kill myself” listen to them. I was so broken that I practiced smiling in the mirror because the abuse was lessened if I didn’t give them a reason to “give me something to cry about”. So I shut off all emotions and finally, I don’t remember anything from before 8th grade. Which they tell me is when my mom left for the last time. Now, before anyone says “that was a long time ago” and I should “buck up soldier” remember I could only comply as I believed my life depended on it.

The tragic thing is the behavior of hiding my emotions continued and for the most part still does. I’m incapable of talking to any authority figure or romantic partner if they are upset which has led to some very strange relationships over the years. Thankfully they don’t seem to last more than 7 years as I’m incapable of maintaining them.

So I hide again but now it’s with a little more anxiety to hold the emotions at bay. Which makes it harder so I add more anxiety to stop me talking and ruining the relationship. Which caused me to try and escape and when I can’t or don’t want to, I think of the only thing within my power, committing suicide.

So, I have no idea if maid will be legalized next year but, I think it should be approved as it gives people like me the ability to end our suffering with comfort instead of scared and alone in a hotel room. I would never want my family or friends to find my body, it’s about ending suffering not adding to it.

Signs to watch for a mental health crisis in yourself or others

Good afternoon everyone,

As some of you know, I’ve been struggling with my mental health for the last eight months or so. What you and I did not know is that I’ve been struggling for decades but didn’t recognize the signs. If you or someone you know says any of the following, it could be a conscious or unconscious cry for help.

Recurring Nightmares

Forgotten conversations

Tension headaches

Suicidal thoughts

Inability to say no

Always worried about losing you/their job no matter how well you/they are doing

Hemorrhoids that don’t go away or are recurring

Grinding of teeth at night

Broken teeth from night grinding

Tenson in parts of the body that stays or lingers

Racing thoughts

Replaying conversations over and over

They are practicing conversations before they happen for hours. Because they want to make sure they are understood.

Mental Health is something that we don’t talk about enough, and because of that, people suffer needlessly. Let’s break the stigma!!!