3am and all’s not well

So, once again, I’m slipping back into my old patterns and in response “Ricky” has amped up and without the anxiety, disassociation or spasticity from my muscles being frozen I’m feeling more than ever.

I don’t know if I can sit till June 12th when I see Ontario shore. I wish someone would believe me and institutionalize me before “Ricky” hurts someone.

Actually, this is my cry for help, I’m not strong enough to go of my own volition. PLEASE HELP ME !!! But I need a padded cell and locked doors! Please don’t put me back in the Psych ER it’s too frightening and I’m afraid I’ll cease to exist.

Update: I’m being pulled in so many directions. I am about to lose my grip on my others and I’m afraid, that maybe I’m he other.

Update 2: And just like that whoever just typed that is gone and I can go back to the way it was, I’m almost convinced that I can just go back to work.

Update 3: typing is getting easier but something is trying to get me to delete this, there is no misunderstanding that I have others , or, that one of them is very dangerous.

Update 4: Mary if you read this when you have a break in the day can you drive me to the Ottawa Psych hospital, please. I no longer think I can control the monster inside of me and I’m a danger to myself and everyone else. I am typing this because I know that I will never be able to explain this before it’s too late.

Update 5: I’m trying to get my others to let us get some sleep but my stomach is so bad I feel like I’m going to vomit and my hands hurt from clenching them and I feel tingling all ever. I have to get some sleep my body is on fire because I keep reaching for the delete button.

Update 6: I don’t think I wait till everyone gets up, I might have to leave. Im just not sure that I will have the strength to go to the ER. so, I’ll do what I learned in DBT and use Opposite Action and force myself to get some sleep.

Update 7: I keep waking up and alternating between deleting this because I’m better and taking a taxi to the ER.

Fuck this is hell

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