So I’ve asked my therapist to be institutionalized because I know I will never be free of this any other way.
As I had my agency taken from me before I had words, it’s only natural I wouldn’t understand it as an adult as my brain was still forming. In my case, at two, I started pushing my emotions down as they were hindering my survival. What I was doing was fracturing my personality and over a dozen years of abuse I had no memory of it. No one in my family knew any of this, they just thought I was “a little shit” so my suffering continued but now I was trapped in my head.
I remember practicing controlling my emotions so I would not be too sad as they would give me something to cry about. Too happy was also an issue as my mother lost her battle with childhood trauma when I was two as my brother died. It seems that too much happiness hurt her and she would abuse me, so I had to hide that as well as my pain. The tragic thing for me was she felt safe pouring all her anger, sadness and angst on me. I was the problem, she would tell me “I wish you had died instead of your brother” or “you are the reason you father and I fight ” or just simply and more times then I could count “I wish you were dead” you see, I never had a chance and that’s just the emotional abuse. Because she didn’t care about me, explaining what I wanted never worked so the only thing I could do to get my most basic needs met was to manipulate her and that over time became as natural as breathing. I never speak unless I’ve escalated the issue to life-or-death status in my head as I’m conditioned to control my emotions at all costs.
As a teen I didn’t have any of these memories but was driven by something I didn’t understand and haunted by recurring nightmares.
It wasn’t till my breakdown in 2020 when I couldn’t hold the pieces together anymore that a few of the memories came back. Patricia and her family took me in and made me one of their own, that safety made me lose my grip on my others. As I knew I couldn’t control the “fear” anymore as it was too strong and I desperately knew something had to change. I had to put down these survival tools from long ago as they were killing me.
I have DID as I’ve suppressed my memories but the survival tool that is slowly killing me was my inability to talk which came from hiding my emotions as a child . This lead to my current inability to process my emotions as I’ve been blocking them for 50 years subconsciously.
There are so many layers of trauma and I am not capable to go any further on my own, I need help to unravel this safely. That is why I asked to be institutionalized as I don’t know how to proceed from here. HELP!!! It is impossible for me to talk as something stops me. Writing doesn’t seem to be a problem. Might be a good experiment to see if I can write when “Ricky’s” thoughts are bleeding into my consciousness. Hmmm….i will report back.
Progress Report: When trying to communicate by typing and “Ricky” is “pushing” my body is on fire and it becomes too much for me to handle as every nerve is on fire. Especially if I can see the other person is typing a response before I feel that they have “heard” me.
I have a completely irrational fear of being misunderstood which simultaneously paralyzes and make me need to escape. It’s HELL, to be honest.
This is obviously one of my “triggers” but I don’t remember why. Which is the worst as I have no idea why I feel this way.