All I can do is tell my story
I’ve been looking into MAID for a few years now, ever since it became a water cooler discussion.
I’m my darkest times MAID feels like a being wrapped in a blanket fresh from the dryer on a cold day.
I know, there must be something wrong with me, right? Unfortunately, this isn’t one of them, cognitive dissonance, emotional dysregulation, and mutism about my feelings are a few but not this.
Let me explain. On any given morning around 3 am when I can’t sleep because I’ve woken up again with my hands hurting from clenching them all night. I don’t see a way forward and I think of ending my suffering. The reasons I stop myself might surprise you, it’s always thoughts for others that stop me.
- I don’t want my family to find my body
- I don’t want them to be sad
- What if this hurts them and they feel like me? That makes me want to endure more pain to “save” them
If you notice I’m only living to save others the pain of ending mine and that might be the saddest thing I’ve ever said.
So normalizing the MAID conversation gives me the “voice” to have a loving discussion with the people who matter to me which reduces my immediate urge to act. I still don’t want to keep waking up with my hands contorted into claws each day or have my skin on fire for no reason but at least I don’t have to die alone and that gives me relief.
All but one gave me an perfect response, while I’m not happy you are planning to utilize it, I respect your decision and will be at your side either way.
There might be a life lesson in their response, just saying. *shrug*