So, I’ve been spending the last 24 hours exploring what is actually happening when I get the ” overwhelming urge” to stab the dog, Run, fight, etc.
So I absolutely have to physically restrain myself but like I said I’m not angry but my body is on fire to react. It’s a very strange feeling to not be in control of your bodys physical movements. But the DID didn’t seem complete as I couldn’t understand why “ricky” would be mad.
Then I remembered a different track of experimentation from about 6 months ago, am I autistic?
Then it hit me, maybe my desire to move is what autism “feels” like and that’s what I’ve been controlling and why my physical sensations felt different from my environment.
So my current theory is that when I was a small child I exhibited the normal autism behaviors and was told I needed to stop them. Hitting myself, flapping my arms, etc as normal people don’t do that. But when my brother died and my mothers pain finally consumed her I was made to believe that changing my behavior was life or death. So I practiced smiling in the mirror and flexing my entire body to stop my involuntary arm movements. This coupled with my mother telling my 2 year old self that she wished I was never born and why didn’t I die instead of David or my personal favourite “you are the reason your dad and I fight “. You see, I never had a chance.
This theory fits the data but I’m still scared to open the box and see if I’m right
Maybe one day I’ll be able to remember but for now the current theory is giving me some relief as at least it fits more of the data.