So it seems I’m at a cross roads of my healing journey.
After my post yesterday about being scared of myself, I now know why. Ricky is so scared and hurt that he almost stabbed my dog yesterday. I was trying to make a sandwich and my loving dog wanted attention when she wouldn’t stop my blood boiled and I had to use all my strength to stop from grabbing the steak knife and stabbing her. It was instantaneous and was almost too much for me to hold in check, if Ricky was any stronger I wouldn’t have been able to stop. (added for clarity: I had to flex all my muscles like I was getting into a car accident to stop stabbing the dog. Once the compulsion to act stopped I went into my office and shut the door so the physical anxiety could stop, I was never mad at the dog, Ricky was.) Now I know why I held Ricky in check with anxiety (before I admitted he was there) he’s a danger to us and others. But, I can’t go to the ER Psych ward as that is hell, people screaming and walking the halls all night, no locks on the doors. 3 days were enough, I will do anything not to go back there but I need more help than I’m getting at the moment.
I have no idea how to go forwards, I can’t stay here and going backwards is a path to an early grave.
If anyone has thoughts I’m all ears…