Furthermore from the post yesterday, I’m starting to see how pervasive the issue of society hiding its monsters is.
Everyone wants to believe they are the type of person that “would rather talk to you at 3 am then attend your funeral” but in reality, it’s far too painful for everyone and they shy away or try to help which is infinitely worse for me. You see, I never developed a sense of self and as such there is no “me” to love. This manifested as a compulstion for external approval couple with a pathological need to save everyone to make up for “whatever I did that was so bad it killed my brother” which never made sense to me as he never came home from the hospital and I was 2 what could I have done? Anyway I digress…
So there are two devils in me.
One is deathly afraid of everyone and sees the world as a terrible place.
The second has to protect everyone from everything and isn’t afraid to sacrifice himself to achieve it.
The fearful devil manifests as knowledge of my partner’s attempts to manipulate me into killing myself. I could tell you all the times I felt like this with exacting detail. This is as basic as air is to breath, I believe it at a fundamental level and I need to RUN! NOW!!!
The knightly devil is always looking for problems that we can help with, such as killing myself to save my partner from my poor finances.
These two devils are always there tugging at my senses and most of the time it seems that I’m not in control of my amygdala. It seems to spasm uncontrollably all day as my body is in flight or fight while I’m sitting quietly. It’s quite unnerving to suddenly feel dread and have no outlet for that feeling. That might be why I wrapped these feelings in anxiety in the first place as an attempt to control them and act the way everyone wanted me to act. No one seems to care how I feel only how I act.
So I have to make a conscious decision to see my partner as loving as I don’t feel love like a normal person and all feel is the worst possible things. But, I can see that she loves me but I don’t feel it unless she smiles at me or touches me kindly. It’s hell to live like this to be honest, both the physical almost constant tension like I”m getting into a car accident and having to consciously force myself to believe something that my senses are telling me is not true.
Maybe we all need to read Winnie the Pooh with new eyes and teach our kids how to love Eeyore instead of why they shouldn’t end up like him.