I’ve been thinking of suicide since before I knew there were words for it. So, if your child repeats things like “I’m doomed” “or I never catch a break” or ” I’m going to kill myself” listen to them. I was so broken that I practiced smiling in the mirror because the abuse was lessened if I didn’t give them a reason to “give me something to cry about”. So I shut off all emotions and finally, I don’t remember anything from before 8th grade. Which they tell me is when my mom left for the last time. Now, before anyone says “that was a long time ago” and I should “buck up soldier” remember I could only comply as I believed my life depended on it.
The tragic thing is the behavior of hiding my emotions continued and for the most part still does. I’m incapable of talking to any authority figure or romantic partner if they are upset which has led to some very strange relationships over the years. Thankfully they don’t seem to last more than 7 years as I’m incapable of maintaining them.
So I hide again but now it’s with a little more anxiety to hold the emotions at bay. Which makes it harder so I add more anxiety to stop me talking and ruining the relationship. Which caused me to try and escape and when I can’t or don’t want to, I think of the only thing within my power, committing suicide.
So, I have no idea if maid will be legalized next year but, I think it should be approved as it gives people like me the ability to end our suffering with comfort instead of scared and alone in a hotel room. I would never want my family or friends to find my body, it’s about ending suffering not adding to it.