Having difficulty with the mental exercise for today. I don’t realize that I’m getting frustrated and, using the Buddhist terms, craving the successful outcome.
I’ve been trying to complete this task for 4 hours now, nothing is working can’t seem to get it.
The neighbour behind me lets out an ungodly burp and because he can’t breath through his nose blows it out of his mouth and it hits the back of my neck. Now let me tell you I’m a bit of a germaphobe and to make it worse I can smell what he had for breakfast. I manage a smile and think that I hope he feels better. The next time he burps and blows it on me, my smile isn’t quite as big. But, the third time he burps and blows it on me I now understand that he is the reason the lesson is so hard. The silence is now deafening and all thoughts of the exercise are lost and I fixate on he broken breathing hoping he doesn’t burp again and I’m sure I’ll get sick as well.
This continues through lunch and all the way to the right before the afternoon break when he burps again. This my friends is where I lose my mind.
Before I sit down for the last meditation period before dinner I give this poor guy the dirtiest look I have given anyone ever and proceed to move my mat as far forward as I can. I think this was much better than my first thought to stand up in the silent hall and yell at him to stop burping and blowing it on me. Self-satisfied, I sit down on my mat and immediately regret my actions. WHAT THE HELL is wrong with me? This poor guy doesn’t deserve this, I need to get a hold of my self. This thought process continues on through dinner.
After dinner, I decided to forget about today’s lesson and go back to yesterdays. Only I can’t accomplish that either…Oh Crap, what have I don’t to myself? I go back to another day’s lesson, then another all the way to the first day and I even have trouble with that. This is quite a departure from taking a vow of poverty and living like a monk.
Finally, things go back on track and by the end of the night, I can complete the excercise from the day before.
So what has this experience taught me? That all my suffering is in my head and furthermore I created the entire scenario within the 6 inches between my ears. Yikes!!!